Certain... Something
by NefertiDagger
Summary: This is SUPPOSED to be silly/incoherent. I wrote this 'cuz my birthday is on the 26th. Anyways, a peasant woman wants to give Kain a birthday cake, but he thinks it's missing a certain... something. Please, R/R! (Flames WILL be ignored and mocked)


Certain... Something. (BO2 Short Humor Story)  
  
Written by NefertiDagger  
  
DISCLAIMER- Wow, a new LoK fic. Well, this is supposed to be an In- Character comedy... err something along the lines of it anyways. This is a story I wrote just before my birthday (It's on 11/26/86! I'll be 15 then!), and it's rather short and silly. Doesn't make any sense. Oh! The peasant is blatant self-insertion. Heh, heh. I thought it would be funny, and it takes place shortly after BO2. (Blood Omen 2)  
  
Well... have fun! (Copyrights are at the bottom).  
  
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The peasant stood there, knees hitting each other and her arms trembling, shaking the parcel that rested in her weary arms. She had gone through the whole city of Meridian just to bring this item to one person. How she managed to get there, when she was originally from Willendorf didn't make any sense whatsoever.  
  
Nonetheless, she was eager to give someone her parcel.  
  
"My lord Kain will most definitely love this." She then brought her foot up to the rather large wooden doors, and struggled to knock as best she could, without falling backwards and onto the icy cold snow, her present mashed to boot. "Knock, knock!" She said out loud, hoping that was garnering some attention from behind the fortress walls.  
  
"." There was nothing. No reply or anything of the sort. She frowned and struggled to kick the door some more, screaming at the top of her lung to get someone to open up the huge, bulky wooden doors.  
  
"OPEN UP THE BLOODY DOOR! I HAVE A PRESENT FOR THE MOST HIGH ONE!!!"  
  
There was yet another momentary silence, and the slight creak of a door opening infront of her. She grinned and as she ran inside, there before her was a couple of vampiric guards. They looked at her with malice and held spears to her. She gulped a little.  
  
"What brings you human. filth to Lord Kain's fortress?" A taller one, with jet-black hair and a some-what feminine appearance, asked the peasant. She then blurted out, without thinking-  
  
"I've come to bring Lord Kain a present, for it's his birthday today." There was YET another silence, as the two vampires gazed each other with a hint of confusion. They then turned to face the package and thought for a moment, wondering what might be in it.  
  
"What's in it, you wretched human?" Another, bald looking one asked, poking her with his spear in a rather hard fashion. Without even thinking, she thrust it open and showed the. delicious confectionary treat inside. ". My god! What is that?"  
  
"A pastry, or a cake. I baked it just for him."  
  
"You human women are always after the Master. -sigh- I suppose he won't mind. go right ahead, but if you cause trouble." The bald one started, moving her along the cold, iron cast flooring.  
  
"We will feast upon your blood for dinner." The other one snapped, and the two went about their duties. The peasant woman looked back at them and looked forward at the rather large doors leading to the main chamber. She then looked back again, and slowly raised her hand for the knocker. (As she somehow freed her hands to knock on a door)  
  
-KNOCK, KNOCK-  
  
"Hello.? High Lord Kain, I have brought a gift for you." She spoke.  
  
No answer, and this repeated for several minutes, as volleys of 'Hellos' went on, and no answers. It got very tiring for the woman, who was just about to give up on the whole ordeal.  
  
"Oh, I should face it, I will never give the Lord his gift. Shame really." She muttered, walking away. that is, until the doors swung open, and there stood Kain, looking down at the human, with a hunger in his eyes. "Oh! My Lord. h."  
  
"Save the pleasantries you rodent. What do you want here, in my fortress?" He snapped, grabbing her by the free arm. She looked at his cold eyes with a raw fear, but then she remembered what exactly she came here for.  
  
"Oh most High. I wanted to give you this, because it is your birthday." She whimpered, meekly holding up the cake box. Kain, who hadn't celebrated a 'mortal' birthday in MANY years, was both angry and dumbfounded. Mostly the former if you want to be serious. He snatched it out of her hands with anger.  
  
"Damn you mortals. celebrating meaningless birthdays. and YOU! You come here and bother me with your petty traditions, when I have given them up for a better life?" He bellowed, his voice booming through the rafters. The woman nodded and stepped back a little. "Get out of my sight. I wish never to see you again."  
  
"Y-Y-Yes. My High Lord." She then scampered away, leaving Kain and the pastry. He grumbled and slammed the chamber door shut.  
  
"Petty traditions." He then sat down, looking at the cake with a blank face. He opened it up and took a lick of the frosting-type substance. "Those vile humans think they can shove them into my own ways. we shall see."  
  
He then found himself eating a nice slice of it. He didn't want to, but he ended up doing it anyways. To him, cake was something you either loved or hated. In his mortal case, he rather liked it, but as a vampire- he loathed it. but why was he eating it anyways?  
  
"Damn those humans. and their addictive sweets. though." He set the cake aside and pondered for a moment about what to do, to make the cake conform to his ungodly high standards. "It IS missing that. something." It then came to him, and he grinned. Suddenly, he jolted out and followed the peasant.  
  
  
  
Outside, the peasant sat there, looking at the snowy sky. She wondered what Kain thought of the present, and such of the like. She didn't hear the silent footsteps next to her, but she did notice the person.  
  
"Oh my. Lord Kain! Did you like the pastry?" She asked, beaming with pride. He snorted and pulled her up, out of the snow and looked at her deeply, with a gaze that could cut diamonds. "Well..?"  
  
"It's missing that certain. something. I need you to help me." He looked at the horizon and back. ". Fix it up, per chance?"  
  
"I would most love to, my master!"  
  
"Very well then. let's go." He then proceeded to laugh madly as the two went back into the fortress.  
  
  
  
"Ahhh. it tastes A LOT better, I must say." He callously grinned; his sly glance looking at the 'strawberry' coated cake, and at someone slumped in the corner. "It now has that certain something I was looking for, hmm? Heh, heh."  
  
He took another bite, and commented to himself, about the peasant woman-  
  
"Pity she didn't get to taste the cake. I must applaud her for putting her. heart into making it perfect." He then chuckled, and walked away from the chamber.  
  
-The End-  
  
  
  
COPYRIGHTS- All characters (except the peasant) are © Crystal Dynamics and Eidos. The peasant is NOT to be used without my consent, and if you wish to MST this, but all means, go right ahead. Just don't be too harsh, okay? ^_- Well, have fun everyone! Hope you enjoyed this ridiculous fan fiction. 


End file.
